Etiquette

I hate all kinds of etiquette apart from those that are necessitated by hygiene. Its just out of fear of being a social outcast that I follow the norms. One day when I am important enough, and not really needing people think very highly of me, I will seek this feeling of freedom from etiquette. I will break the unsaid rules.

10 steps to feel awesome and rebellious in a five star restaurant in India

1) Enter the restaurant in a dhoti-kurta and Gandhi cap carrying your belongings bundled in a large piece of cloth. Remove your shoes outside the hotel area and walk into the eating place naked feet with dhoti in one hand

2) Take a place and sit with your legs folded on a sofa chair and sit back and make sure that a little of your pot belly is visible to the people

3) Take time to read the menu and read out the dishes slowly and loudly in colloquial pronunciations so that at least 5 tables around you can hear you

4) Call the waiter for help with the menu, address him in your mother tongue, avoid Hindi/English and if he doesn’t understand pretend to sound very irritated and finally order soup and then rub your hands and keep licking your lips loudly till you are not served

5) Once the plates have arrived bang the spoons and forks on the table loudly, cry out in your mother tongue saying that you are very hungry and keep doing this till you are served

6) Once the soup arrives, remove the spoon from the bowl and then drink directly from the bowl slurping very loudly. Make sure that you also drop enough soup on the sofas and your clothes

7) After drinking half, call the waiter loudly and angrily and tell him that the soup tastes like piss and you have tasted better in a highway dhaba. Then order the main course and repeat steps 5 and 6

8) Once the main course arrives. Don’t wait for the waiter to serve you. Put both your hands in the serving bowls and start eating very fast. Tell the waiter to immediately take away the useless spoons and fork.

9) After eating half your food, ask the waiter loudly about the toilet. Go to the toilet with your bundle. Change to your Raymonds suiting which you should have carried in your bundle

10) Come back. Now behave in full on English manners. Call the waiter and scold him politely that he hadn’t got forks and spoons along. And then eat the remaining food like an Englishmen making proper use of the eating gadgetry. Pay the check and leave everyone stunned and wondering